How to Avoid Divorce
If you’re wondering how to avoid divorce, you need to pay careful attention to the relationship advice discussed in this article. Current divorce statistics speak volumes: one in three marriages end up on the rocks. The reasons for divorce mentioned are so far-fetched that it is seriously doubtful whether the marriage partners have done everything to make their marriage a success. We go back to statements such as “clashing personalities”, “drifting apart” and many other that do not touch the core of the problem by any means. How do you save a marriage from divorce? Where there is a will…15 steps to help save your marriage
- How to avoid divorce by talking about your needs
The success of a marriage depends on how many needs are to be fulfilled when two people are involved. It is therefore important to find out where the needs of the other person lie. Sometimes those needs are very small and simple little things you say such as the other person looks good or that you are proud of him/her brings fulfilment.
You need to write down what you want to see more or less of in the other person and what your own needs are to avoid misunderstandings. Which behavior of the other person disturbs you, and which behavior do you appreciate, but you see too little of? Both partners should write down these things on a list and then compare each other’s list and acknowledge the wishes of the other person. Show your willingness to examine your own behavior and help the other person to meet your needs.
- The emotional wall
Many people have unconsciously built up emotional walls that prevent them from ever becoming close to friends or family. They are ‘unreal’. Some people also wear a social mask; a protective measure that mostly leads to misunderstanding. The most serious consequence is that you do not really ever get to know the other person, even if you have been married for years.
If you want to get closer to your husband or wife again, you need to make sure you do not have a blockage that can get in the way of emotional intimacy with your partner. No one can help you with this. You can address this issue by never being afraid to show your vulnerability to your partner. Breaking down your emotional wall will make you to become more accessible to your partner from now on.
- How to avoid divorce by determining standard of behavior
Many marriages suffer because the spouses have failed to make rules about how they want to be treated by their partner. Never accept disrespectful behavior and emotional neglect. Keep yourself a well-functioning basic rule: “The standard is to treat me with dignity and respect at all times”. Working from this basic rule, of course, many more behavior standards can be drawn up by both partners. When setting up what the rules should be, consider very simply what your definition of a good marriage is. So go back to the basics and work from there.
- How to avoid divorce by solidifying your friendship
The same things you would do with other people, for example talking about trifling matters, sharing a good joke and thus laughing with each other should be exactly the same in your marriage. If that does not work because you believe that the other person is not willing to do that, first make sure that you yourself are a good friend to the other person. Friendship is necessary to make a marriage sustainable and is the best basis for a successful marriage.
When marriage problems arise, take a step back from the pain of the interactions and focus on your partner’s qualities. Turn back the clock and remember what the initial reason for the friendship was that eventually grew into marriage. What exactly does a solid friendship mean? Friends spend time together. They share things with each other and support each other. Real friends do not ignore each other. Friends are always there for each other, in good times and bad. If you cannot imagine friendship with your partner in your own marriage, then your marriage may have a very fragile basis.
- Do not neglect the other person
Never think of your partner as a piece of furniture, and that no expressions of love are needed in your marriage. “She knows that I love her” is not the issue. The point is that you need to do the RIGHT thing like occasionally show that you care about the other person and love the other person. You achieve this in very small things like calling from the office just to say hello, or giving a compliment. If you ignore these apparent trivialities in your marriage, you will cause an accumulation of indifference, ignoring and frustration in your partner. In short: emotional neglect. And that is difficult to rectify.
- How to avoid divorce by understanding your past
Many marriages are doomed to fail because of the emotional baggage that one of the two partners brings into the marriage because of past disappointments. Recognize that personal barriers from the past may be the main reason that the other person or you cannot properly “give” in the marriage. Sometimes it is a lack of trust that has arisen in the past that the person carries through into the current marriage, sometimes a history of fear of commitment and failed relationships is the reason for current marriage problems. Do not let the past of the other person sabotage your marriage but help them to solve the issues causing problems in your marriage.
- How to avoid divorce by speaking from your heart
Always communicate from your heart in your relationships and marriage. Especially in times of crisis it is very important that you reveal your true self and do not simply say those words that you think your partner wants to hear, just to get rid of them. What you really think and feel is what matters, not about the content of any bickering or ‘whining’.
So be open to feedback from your partner, you do not have to say everything you think, but everything you say must be the truth and accurate. It is important for both to know that everything that is said is the truth. However, control the impulsive temptation to attack your partner. Once you realize that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often the things you see in yourself, you will be able to literally change the nature of the interactions with your partner.
- Acknowledge what the other person says
If the other person tells a story about what is bothering him/her, then you can split that story into two parts. Be sure to do that so the other person knows that he/she is being heard. So first say: “So what you are saying is this……”. Then, to make sure that you understand how your partner feels you can, for example, indicate: “I think you are angry/hurt/sad/ offended, etc.” It is extremely important to recognize the underlying emotion in the other person and to acknowledge it immediately.
If you have caused damage to your marriage, one of the ways to fix a marriage is by fully understanding the effect on another person’s self-esteem, emotions and mental state. If you ignore that fact, there will be an endless vicious circle of quarrels, incomprehension, playing games, anger and revenge. Most people in a relationship or marriage that are on the verge of collapsing lack the recognition and understanding of the emotions that have arisen in the other. In short: They miss ‘the point’.
- How to avoid divorce by not hiding anything
People who have nothing to hide also do not hide anything. Lying, concealing, manipulating and deceiving are most definitely not the keys to a good marriage. No human being is open hundred percent of the time, but at least you can make a start. Always try to be an open book to your partner and be sure that he or she knows you through and through. Do not expect anything less from the other person.
By the way, nothing is more frustrating than a partner who says one thing in a conversation but actually means something completely different. The childish “Get the message” is a major insult to your partner, and after all, the other person cannot you’re your thoughts. So always be clear in your communication and about your feelings in an adult and responsible manner. When you’re honest about your feelings you build your marriage based on integrity and not on lies and even deceit.
- Being right does not make a happy marriage
Evaluate the things you do in your marriage and see if your thoughts, feelings and actions work. You do not have to constantly prove that you know better than your partner in whatever you are talking about. Instead, you can choose a different emotion, for example, understanding or tolerance, as these are emotions which will not escalate and bring hostility into your marriage. So, how to have a happy marriage? Decide to be happy from now on instead of being right. You will become more receptive to your partner’s attempts to ban hostility and you will be able to have decent conversations with one another.
- How to avoid divorce by talking things out
Always make sure that discussions and disagreements about marriage are carried out in full, but do not let them drag on endlessly. Do not walk away angry; also do not allow things to get out of hand by bringing up all kinds of other things from the past. The best thing is to specify a time limit that you stick to. During discussions never focus on the differences, but on those things that bind you. Be sure that you are both aiming to reach the same interests and goals.
- Running away does not solve anything, resolve to save it
Some people have a tendency to escape their marital problems by leading another life. They deliberately drown themselves in work, in drinking, or in extra-marital affairs so as to not to face the problems. Your marriage problems cannot be resolved outside of the marriage, so either stay one hundred percent in your marriage or draw a line through it before you go elsewhere.
- How to avoid divorce by encouraging unwilling partners
Use your knowledge and persuasion to encourage your husband/wife to be constructively involved as you do not wish to be saving your marriage alone. Point out to your partner his/her fears and resistance but also make it clear that there are meaningful and immediate benefits for him/her. Resistance will be minimal once the partner realizes that he/she will get along with it themselves. Then tell your partner what you have learned yourself so far. That you have read about how to improve your marriage, and so on.
Do not come across as the relationship expert but rather that you have learned and that you continue to learn important elements that will permanently improve your marriage. Encourage your partner to also want to avoid divorce and save your marriage just like you instead of just letting it break down. Be diplomatic, strong, responsible, open and specific.
- How to avoid divorce when anger reigns supreme
Anger does not arise about the things that happen in life, but about expectations that fall apart. The higher your expectations, the greater your anger will be if the other person downplays it. Do not make yourself dependent on other people’s whims, but keep your expectations as realistic as possible. This means that you can at least expect the other person to contribute to the relationship or marriage in an adult way and has recognition for your feelings should your expectations be intercepted in one way or another.
Do not let your happiness in life depend on a partner who is obnoxious and who labels normal expectations as ‘too high’. Some partners waltz over feelings and are not emotionally mature for a marriage.
- How to avoid divorce by realizing marriage requires sacrifice
As in any friendship or relationship, sacrifice is also required for a happy marriage. Two people come together, children are added again, and living together under one roof is not always easy. So do not be so unrealistic as to think that any disagreements between you and your partner are signs of a bad marriage and that you are not destined to be together or when things don’t always run smoothly. Do not lose yourself in the latest trends where causes of divorce are cited as “Being bored with each other” and “We are slowly drifting apart”. These are not grounds for divorce! A marriage requires responsibility. Both partners need to take up that responsibility.
Consider divorce your absolute last resort
If fixing your marriage is the reason why you’re still reading, I urge you to strongly consider avoiding divorce at all cost, at least until such time that you have thoroughly investigated all steps to save your marriage. Avoid years of misery by ensuring that you have done all you could to save a marriage.
There are ways to avoid divorce including the following things, also in the interest of any children:
Read about marriage and relationships
Consult an expert and get marriage counselling
Thoroughly examine your own role in your marriage crisis
Find out what puts the wedding under pressure
You need to be prepared to let your marriage succeed
Is my marriage worth saving? Calculate the cost whether you stay or leave
Can this marriage be saved?
Ask yourself the following:
Do you still love your partner?
Do you feel hurt or angry?
Are you anxious?
Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any one of the four questions above, now is not the time to make decisions that will drastically change your life. Your emotional issues have not yet been addressed so there is more work to be done. Only once you can look in the mirror and know for certain that you have tried everything in your power to save your marriage, that you can walk out the door in peace and without remorse, that you no longer have unfinished emotional issues, are you ready getting a divorce.
How to avoid divorce by improving now, not after divorce
It is a well-known phenomenon that people suddenly start doing their best after their divorce. They lose weight, start looking after their body, start training, and above all, they brush up their behavior and character. Returning to the “singles” market forces people to make changes that make them more attractive and interesting. Why not make these improvements when you notice any signs your marriage is in trouble? Do not postpone the changes you can make today until tomorrow. Make yourself the ideal partner in your marriage and you will be preventing divorce! Love your partner; avoid becoming part of the divorce statistics.