Extreme Dating Makeover (Henry Cloud, PhD)

[Music] Wow now that’s a bright light can we get that one down just now I know how some of you feel when you’re dating it’s like right deer caught in the headlights welcome to solutions who’s here for the first time I’ve got to do this to be able to see you okay and the rest of you have been here before how many viewers single that was like a dumb question tonight right you know I’m guy I’m kind of curious who’s married in here just why are you here because you have friends hopefully not for yourselves right okay we will we won’t get into that everybody got an outline who needs one I think we’re giving out outlines now we’re getting all official about this okay so let’s hop into it but let me start with with asking a question how many of you were here for the last dating when we did a couple of weeks ago okay I should ask it the other way how many of you were not here all right probably more of you then I am going to be a little redundant from the last one and tell you story in the beginning because some things I’m going to talk about tonight for those of you who didn’t hear me last time you’ll sort of understand better if I do because it’s an example I think of what a lot of people experience in the dating world now let me ask you this how many of you you know what I shouldn’t miss this cuz you’re not gonna be honest but how many of you are stuck in your dating life how many of you would say yes but you don’t want other eligibles to see you sit all right now just shout out for me like if you’re stuck why why you’re stuck lack of trust non-existence you don’t exist it’s hard to get a date if you don’t exist non-existence of like eligibles yeah alright what else what because what about men is always a men’s fault say it one more time hey guys stand up there they are what’s your problem come on where are the good man I wish you know wish this light weren’t blinded me because whoever said that it’s in trouble tonight because we’re going to cover you on a specific point I don’t know who said because I can’t see all right wait why else are you stuck guys why are you stuck what fear there’s one guy here this is in touch with reality sir you should be afraid if you’re you can go like you get your money back you’ve graduated you understand dating better anybody all right who else that why why else are you stuck too busy too busy what can do we can’t you mean too busy doing that you don’t want to date dating is more fun than anything no you’re not gonna say all right okay well let me tell you I’m going to tell you a story and forgive me for being redundant on this because it illustrates some things this would have been probably I don’t know however many years ago handful years ago two or three or four I met a dinner I’m in Cincinnati and I’m at a dinner and a seminar and we’re sitting around this is the seminar team and volunteers from the city and stuff six or eight people and this lady’s kind of talking and she says yeah why just never know I didn’t know that I’d be doing what I’m doing now at this point in my life she says I’m 30 what three or something and she said I thought I’d be married and have kids by now she said but God hasn’t chosen that for me somebody else has left it and I you know it kind of perked up my ears a little bit cuz I’m into God and how he does things and I thought well you know why do you say that and she says well because he hasn’t brought that person into my life that I’m supposed to marry and then she says or he hasn’t given me the feel for the people that he has brought into my life and now she’s got my attention okay and I said what do you mean he hasn’t given you the feelings and she says because that’s what God does you know he brings the right person into your life that you’re supposed to marry or he gives you the feelings that you would need you know to fall in love with the people around you that he brings and you know all sorts of bills theological bills psychological bills all sorts of things are going off in my head because because I I knew her and I thought maybe that you know there were some other reasons why this was happening and some of you get that and I said well no women God didn’t give me the fit whose feelings are these yours or gods she says what do you talking about I said well how do you know that he hasn’t brought ten good people into your life and that you’re incapable of feeling the right feelings for them like you have a block for example that would not allow you maybe to fall in love with a good guy that you only go for psycho you know whatever’s and she’s like well no and she’s sort of defensive about this and so so the point is you know I won’t tell the whole story but the point was that that she really was kind of blaming all of this on God and I said I said what how long has it been since you’re a date she said well you know if I can’t remember his either two or three years now ostensibly that should not have been true you know she’s intelligent outgoing personable attractive smart all of this stuff and that shouldn’t have been the case and so I said well I don’t understand why that’s true and she goes back to the god thing and it reminded me of a lady that called on the radio one day and said you know I don’t believe you should be talking about dating and people going out and setting the other to find their mate and blah blah blah I said well why don’t you like dating she says what same thing well I believe that God will bring the person to me and I said he’ll just you don’t have to do anything what was that was that year that called him that day no I didn’t hear wait what did somebody say oh well they’re repented I guess um she said he’s just gonna bring this person and I said well do you have to do anything she says no I trust God enough to heat you know it’s God’s responsibility to provide for me and I said well do you have to go outside I mean do you have to you know give any part in this she says I believe and it sounds so spiritual you know God’s gonna bring the person to me and I said well you know if you don’t marry the FedEx guy or Jehovah’s Witness you better leave the house really and that’s kind of what I was thinking about about this woman that there were some some things that she was contributing this so I said you don’t look for a job that way dude he’s just gonna show up at your house or think God’s gonna bring it or you know a church or friends or anything you know you’ve got a part to play in this and so she’s bugged at me at this point and what she says is you know I you’re bah bah bah I remember when she said but she’s bugged and and I issued her a challenge and what I said was look let me be your dating coach and if you’ll do whatever I tell you and I demand perfect obedience you have to do everything I tell you I won’t ask you to anything illegal immoral or unethical but you have to do everything I tell you and I guarantee you you’ll be dating in six months and so she’s bugged enough that she goes fine all right so we get in this thing and I said here’s your first assignment what I’m going to do tonight is I’m going to talk about some of those things that I took her through but the point is that point number one on your outline is what I’ve got down there is it says get ready take ownership of dating and I just want to start with that story I’m going to end I’ll tell you the end a few months back I went and officiated at her wedding you know she got into the front and she was in a significant dating relationship and about six months right after that with a really detached narcissistic guy but you got to start somewhere and then that was part of it too I’m serious I told you this she moved up the food chain but once she got and we’ll talk about all those points but the point is what happened that night was that she had to or what I was challenging her to do was to take ownership of her dating now for those of you who like me believe in God and believe that God has a providential hand over our lives and that he does provide that he leads us and guides us how many of you believe that okay and how many of you are comfortable with the idea that that God is involved in bringing you things in your life like like people and like a mate and things like that okay I do too I believe that all right but the Bible also teaches that the created order of the universe is that God provides fields you know God provides seeds and God provides tractors and things like that and that we’re to take seeds and sow them and work the fields and create fruit in life if you look at the parable of the talents for example it illustrates that that it’s possible to have abilities and bury them in the ground out of fear and not receive what we’re supposed to be receiving and all throughout the Bible this is taught and what we know is that some people in the area of dating in relationships that there are a lot of reasons that people do bury their talents or abilities or relational abilities or their trusts or whatever kind of in the ground sometimes and at other times that people can be out there in the relational world actually sowing where they shouldn’t be sowing and reaping what they shouldn’t be reaping how many of you have ever had a wacky relation shit okay so you know what I mean so we’ve got these two extremes as I look at dating there’s two problems one is you can have the problem of no dates and the other is you can have the problem of the wrong dates okay and tonight we’re going to begin with taking a little bit of a look at that so number one is get ready number one is get ready and what I mean is my hunch is tonight that you could have one of three reactions one is that you could get really mad at me and I love email so just send them to me like she did and other people have talked to before that where you suggest that you know there may be some ways in which you and your dynamics are playing into your dating life some people get mad some people think that it’s an accident that they’ve dated you know 14 whackos in a row that all look the same I’ll Drive drive the same kind of car I’ll you know do exactly the same sort of thing they don’t see that they’re the common denominator and they get mad when you suggest that maybe you should look at some of that the second reaction you can have is you can get discouraged because what I’m going to talk about tonight is the personal responsibility your stewardship of your dating life and what some of you may hear in that is okay so you know I hate my life and you’re telling me it’s my fault and I’m not saying that but what I’m saying is whatever has happened to you in life okay and you may live on a desert island where there are no people to date that may be true I don’t know how you got here tonight but you may live there okay and what some people will do is they will blame it totally on external factors and say well the reason is there are no good men we just had how many of you got stand up again guys come on okay there they are so all of you all you women that are saying there are no good men we just disproved that one okay but when whenever whenever we talk about taking ownership and responsibility in life you run the risk of some people who have some really bad critical voices in their heads are going to be blaming themselves and that’s not what I’m saying either what I hope for tonight is for the third reaction and and that is that you might be empowered and you might be empowered to reach out to God for some new arenas of growth and for some new things new steps to take and maybe some new ways to look at why it is like it is and you have some new some new choices available to you okay so that’s where we’re headed point number two on your outline the first date that you should have the first date that you should have is a date with your team okay a date with your team get your team together now here’s what I mean not that you go out on some you know date with six people what I mean is that it because then people really think you’re weird if you ask guys don’t ask six women out on one date I mean there’s enough brain damage with one don’t don’t do that okay what I mean by this is before you enter the dating world it’s really important that you have your non romantic non interested in none whatever you come non eligibles or for whatever reason a handful of people that are on your team to support you in life in your singleness and specifically in your dating now there’s a couple of reasons for that before you date we could call this number one is that you’ve got to have somebody in your circle when you do go out there and start dating that you back to and go and they go you’re crazy because they met him or her and I go what were you thinking and you’re going but they’re so wonderful and your group is saying to you know they’re on parole or something all right you know what I’m saying Emmett you ever had friends they were like telling you about somebody how wonderful they are and you meet this person and you just you just you just want to call a neurosurgeon or something seriously you know what that’s like so here’s the problem that in dating dating hooks a lot of fantasies and dating is going to hook a lot of things inside of you that Believe It or Not can actually cause you to turn a frog into a prince without the kiss in your own head or vice versa I mean you know you can have distortions you need your support group that knows you and loves you enough to tell you the truth in your life okay that’s the first reason the second reason for that is that there’s the aloneness factor when people date out of aloneness and in our book batteries in dating we talked about dating doesn’t cure a lonely heart it’s really interesting sometimes when you talk to singles and you say you know how how’s it going in life and you know are you happy and fulfilled no I’m not dating anyone now it’s kind of like dating is supposed to be the way that their relational needs are met and what I’ve seen in life is that people that don’t have a family you know a spiritual family where they’re like like like Paul says rooted and grounded in love rooted and grounded in reality because of the people that love you see if your heart is grounded in it you know you’re not going to be alone it doesn’t matter what happens with the guy you know or the woman that you like feel like you can’t live with you can’t live without them because you know that you’re loved and your heart is knitted together with a family that’s you know a spiritual family your friends your community then you’re not going to date out of that wackiness okay I remember a great example of this a will a woman who got into she kind of had a history of kind of dating out of her alumnus and she’d go from one guy to the next and it was time you know to get rid of one of those relationships and she joined the group that I was working with and the group was kind of telling her you know this guy is not good for you and you know he would charm her and and on and on and you know then it wouldn’t work out he had he had no relational abilities and wouldn’t commit but he’d suck her back in and blah blah blah and then finally they were sort of on her case enough but while they were on her case they were being there for her and they were loving her and for the first time she was kind of getting grounded and then he they broke up and he calls and he would always kind of woo her back and then they would end up sleeping together and even on the day that she broke up with him that’s how fast she could sort of flip-flop everything against her values and in the whole bit and then she’d feel horrible and you know she’d go back to the group and they sort of beat her up in a good way for this and then one day when this happened again when they broke up he calls her and this you know start to go through the whole thing again you know I’m sorry gosh I really love you and we can work this out and she says and I’m kind of believing it again I’m starting you know to kind of get hope and even to go over there and then she said I heard these voices in my head and it was you guys and you were saying what are you doing you idiot you know he’s only gonna lure you back in you know he’s incapable and you’ve done this three or four times for the first time she was able to say no and mean it and that was a breakthrough too a new place but it was the support of the group that did that and then the other thing you need your team together is for healing because all of us come to the dating world kind of probably you know obviously unfinished it’s people if there’s dynamics and stuff inside of you that’s causing you to make bad choices your community it’s gonna help you with that okay now let’s get into it specifically now you got your team together and now that you are saying okay I’m gonna take ownership of this get in the right mindset get in the right mindset I cannot tell you how many instances I just had another one this weekend I was doing a seminar in Northern California and at lunch I was sitting with with the woman who she’s probably twenty seven or eight and and leads a lot of stuff in a pretty large singles group back there and then the singles head of women’s singles ministries or whatever and I’m writing a book on this right now and and they they were asking me about it and the section I was working on was this part about how people go into dating and what they’re thinking and they said what do you mean and I said well first of all people look at dating like it’s supposed to be they’re looking for like a mate and I did not get the words out of my mouth before both of these women just is like praise Jesus finally somebody is saying this and I said what are you so excited about and they’re like that is exactly what happens these in they were speaking of women but it’s like they have this list okay and they think that dating is about finding the one and because they’re looking to find the one they never find themselves for a lot of reasons which I want to spend a few minutes talking about but the first thing in the get in the mindset is that dating is not about marriage now how many of you are out there dating looking for him or her you’re not going to raise your hand why because you don’t want to get caught right in that right be honest come on but here’s the thing is marriage an outcome of dating absolutely unless you you know mail-order one that’s probably the way it’s going to happen okay but here’s the problem when people go into dating with that they’re looking for a mate they go into it with what they think they need or want already in their heads and usually this fantasize creature doesn’t exist and here’s the worst thing if they do exist it’s probably not good now let me tell you what I mean by that how many of you I think some of you will admit to this how many of you have ever had a dating relationship okay let’s say in the past just in case you’re with that person tonight how many of you in the past have ever been kind of taken you know sort of smitten by somebody because they were like your type okay or what you thought you were looking for and they fit into this slot in your head and this sort of image of what you thought you were looking for and you were smitten and the further you got into it you realized that you were like wolf and down bus fumes I mean it was like how many of you come on let me say hands okay now let me ask you this because I want people to see this isn’t it true that what you thought was amazing because it fit into your expectations was can be a train wreck will anybody just okay now let me ask I’ll even give you further proof any of you that married someone like that can I see those hands and that and that’s why you’re here tonight because you’re single now and I’m not trying I’m not trying I’m just trying to illustrate a point that people have these visions and these images of what they think they need and that is a fantasy at best because you’ve never met Ralph right which is happens to be the guys name who fits into that uniform or Susie and this is a fantasy and you don’t know what lurks beneath that image because that’s not a person it’s not a person and you can be attracted to somebody’s outsides but let me promise you you are going to experience their insides now here’s a further reason for that some of you gonna yeah second point under this is to go into it exactly the opposite with no expectations with no expectations now point number one and point number two go together and here’s the reason because if you are not looking for your mate now I’m bugging some of you right now right who’s bugged by point number one okay why are you bug just shout it out okay the expectation is you both have to have no expectations unless you know whatever I don’t know exactly how you put it but you’re saying it’s kind of an unlevel playing field because you’re going into the dating world where the Xi’s have some expectations well that may be true okay but let me tell you this in my not so limited experience in this because I’ve been researching this for a while what I hear from the best of marriages and the best of relationships that worked out well was that they did get over looking at I have to be married or I’ll only date people that I think I’m going to marry or or because what it did was and let me put point three up here it got them to a position of learning it got them to a position of learning now here’s what I mean if you take the pressure off that I am NOT looking for a mate I am looking to date okay and I’m looking to date with no expectations of what I’m looking for now this is some of you are just say you know this is ridiculous and you’re entitled to your stuck opinion that’s what I think all right but I’m telling you I really believe this stuff because I’ve coached a lot of dating groups and when they go through the curve of this all sorts of good things for you to happen because when they give up their expectations then they start to date in a different way and it becomes a learning experience and here’s why that is important people who go in to dating thinking hey that they’re ready to recognize the right one and be that if they recognize the right one that they’re ready and see that and there’s the big point that they know what is right for them may not know what’s right for them and when you go into dating with the rule like you know that you’ll go out with anybody wants but they’re not you know their pictures not up at the post office or something and you’re open see now if you’re not looking for a mate why does it matter right now I’m really bugging some of you now but here’s the point if people get off of the I’m looking for a mate and I’m not interested in anybody else and they get off of that they begin to go out with a lot of different kinds of people then what happens is parts of them that were unavailable to them begin to wake up let me give an example one young man who at that time would have been I don’t know kind of mid to late twenties he just had this whole list of expectations you know and his sort of vision of what she was like and a lot of that was physical too you know he had this sort of sort of image and part of it was a lack of depth in certain sorts of arenas then he just never even really valued in the women that he went out with and what I did with him was he was just a friend of the families and I secretly without his knowing set him up with someone that I knew that he would be anti attracted to she was nothing like his type okay and I did this on purpose because hey I wanted him to have to confess it to me and and then then you know I can make fun of him but be he was stuck for four hours with a woman that he was not attracted to because she wasn’t his type right so now and he’s not going to get all you know manic psychotic romanticized about you know her guys got actually talked to a human being that was like what was this you know sit and talk without the static and the noise and so he he he calls me after the date and what he said was okay this is really interesting he said I’m not interested in her he said but we got to talking and connecting on some spiritual levels that I never have really talked to or you know talked about in that way with any woman updated and he said it was really it was really different I said really tell me about it he said well it’s kind of interested that he goes I kind of like found myself wishing that I was attracted to her I said why he said because these parts of her I’ve never had really I said okay let me reframe what you just said what you just said was you were attracted to those parts of her right says yeah he said I wasn’t attracted to other parts I said I understand that I understand that but but and as he continued to do that what he found was that there were things that he needed to be attracted to parts of himself that weren’t even open to the dating process because he had limit himself limited himself to this certain type and what I’m what my first suggestion to you you know after you get your team together is I would like to see you get rid of your expectations get rid of your type types get rid of your lists and start dating just to begin to learn what different kinds of people are like and what you are like with different kinds of people some of you have never been out on a date with anybody with a brain now I’m not pointing fingers at any one individual we’re going to group this large I’m right statistically I’m right some of you is like you know brains are not in the picture anywhere and you don’t even know what that might do for you okay some of you have all sorts of other kinds of lists or expectations one one woman I worked with who who’s married now in that a date in a long time when she started working on this stuff she had a list that was so like like kind of and I’m not going to say spiritual because it wasn’t it was it was religiously weird I mean it was like she had all these like spiritual sounding requirements but they had nothing to do with a person’s ability to be honest and love and the things that the Bible actually talks about and I show this you know it’s kind of like doctrinal stuff and you know his theology had to be this way and his political dis and he’s for this and against this this and the other and I’m thinking you know maybe in the nursing home you’ll find a guy but she had so limited so so I got her out there just going right and she discovers that guys that never would have fit into her rigid paradigm are much more interesting and waking up parts of her that she never knew existed and the point is she was growing and she was stretching you know her heart and her mind and her spiritual understandings and all this and there was movement happening so I won’t belabor this but I’m telling you if you have a list in your head now I’m not talking about about character stuff we’ll get into that but if you have some sort of type or listen your head it may be built on pathology I’ll give you an example that’s not even funny I’ll give me an example um another woman I worked with she had this thing about guys that would fit into and not like a you know the Lester Stallone type but they had to have like a muscley sort of whatever okay like you know just sort of like a normal guy was not okay they she you know he had to be ripped in some way right and so I’m trying to get her to kind of talk about this type and go out with some some other ones and here’s what happens I talked her into going out with somebody with you know noodle arms or something she goes true story and it’s hard to get her to do this right she goes out on the date this is a really good guy she goes out on the date and they’re going into the movie theater or something and so you know he he puts his spaghetti arm around her and she said and I kind of like cringe this is true and I said okay tell me yes thank you kidding sad of some of your heads we’d see weird stuff there too right and she’s sort of cringe so I start to get her to talk about this I said what did you feel sad I don’t know I just felt that I said you know what she felt would you feel she said I felt big it big she said yeah I felt big feel big around men that aren’t like her I said you do feel big she says yeah I feel big then what is big she says I don’t know like they’re like a man I said so if a guy’s not ripped you feel like you can rip him I mean and so we get into this and what happens is we begin to understand that she needs this symbolic external strength and a guy to help her to feel smaller which feels vulnerable which feels a little weaker which feels a little more tender and without Rambo she can’t do that so I’m going what’s that about so she starts to kind of work with this and what happened was she had because of a previous you know stuff a previous stuff previous stuff and a previous relationship and some other stuff she had basically so kind of walled off split off repressed whatever her sense of tenderness and vulnerability that to feel soft and responsive she couldn’t do that in and of herself she had to have you know a gladiator to make her feel soft loving tender now that’s a problem because we all know what happens after the ether wears off and that symbolic representation of strength which is not gonna happen in a real relationship is she’s gonna get to know him and then she’s gonna have to be a whole person and she’s not gonna be able to and maybe she would have picked some guy maybe she in that process you know would be picking some you know macho Tarzan who couldn’t even talk about life but see us all a defense but she would not have learned that if she did not get over type instantly she is married to a spaghetti guy now and I say spaghetti guy because compared to what she used to think she had to have he’s like just a normal guy who is he is a tennis player and sort of you know like in shape athletic guy but not Rambo but she’s a different person let’s see she had to go through through a process and so I want you to have no list now why does it matter you’re not going to marry this person anyway that you’re going out with Friday night right or you don’t know that you are you’re going in with no expectations and the last thing I say this to Christian groups because I’m hearing it all over the country and it’s really kooky and Christian groups they get this somehow this thing has happened where if you go out on a date with somebody at me you’re a couple how many of you experienced that in your culture or your groups okay then not uh you know probably 20 or 30 of you can can you just date like because there’s somebody’s having a sale on cheeseburgers just you know or there’s a good movie or something you want to spend three hours with a quality human being and get to know them okay number four keep a log here’s what I tell that woman here’s your assignment I said okay I want you to keep a log and I want to know how many men and guys you know same thing would apply for you I said I want to know how many you meet in the next 30 days that qualify that meet three pre-qualifications number one their new aunt recycle old inventory number one their new number two they have enough of an interaction with you to be interested maybe you want to go out on a date number two and number three enough information to follow through on that enough information to follow through on that okay very simple formula that equals a potential date I mean if you don’t have one of those three it’s hard to have a date right if you don’t meet somebody new or if you know they don’t have enough of an interaction of talking or seeing or smiling or something to want to go out with you and if they can’t find you there’s really hard right and so our immediate response was well I can tell you how many that is she goes zero you know I go work with the same five people I come home you know our channel surf eight might eat my frozen TV pizza talk to my roommate and then on the weekend I run errands and go to the same singlescoop there aren’t any I said I don’t want to hear about it I want you to keep the log he says why I said I just want you to keep luck because I want you to really see how this work now what I really wanted this goes back to point one was I wanted her to walk through 30 days of seeing what her traffic pattern truly existed up and I wanted her to get really depressed and I mean that with all affection and it worked because when we when we really get away from all the excuses and and see the reality it’s like this in our careers you know your dating life your your what kind of shape you’re in or not or your health or your circle of friends or your job or whatever we have ways of numbing the pain and we have ways of numbing the reality maybe gotta bring somebody or maybe this one up or maybe that and what the Bible tells us over and over is no play the movie all the way to the end you know that that there is an accounting of sowing and reaping and there’s a there’s there’s life is going to produce fruit or not produce fruit and what I wanted her to do was I wanted her to really look at how she was doing in this area cuz it had been a couple years and I wanted her to see her a traffic pattern and that what she was gonna do in this 30 days was she was gonna recognize this is her life to continue to do the same thing expecting different results you’ve heard this is the definition of insanity you know unless the lottery ticket comes in the mail and that’s what the fantasy is for a lot of people but I wanted her to really see that and then we went into the next point which is exam or evaluate the log why is it that way do you need to change your traffic pattern or are there available people that you don’t that you’re not available to are you in singles groups for example and there’s lots of available people or the workplace or this set in the other because here’s what happened with her when we got to the next step and I’ll put this five a week it really gave her an ability to evaluate our log and here’s what five a week means number six I said okay now that you know your life is miserable here’s my assignment I want you to give me five new names every week it fit those three requirements and she says oh where am I going to get those and I said not my problem it’s your problem and the reason I wanted it to be her problem was because I wanted her to get active and I knew that in the course of her life at church to think she went to two organizational things to you know professional gatherings I knew that she came across a lot of men and I knew that that that basically none of those were the ones that I thought you know they may not be the one or she may not ever go out with any of them but what I knew was this woman was frozen inside and she was not drawing anybody in and she was she didn’t know how cutoff she was and so I said I just want you to go fulfill those three things she goes what if I don’t like them I mean what if I I don’t want to get you know am I gonna find five I’m interested I said that’s a anything about being interested in any of them I just want to see if you can talk to a male not if not in a business setting but just to interact and say you know kind of how’d he do she goes were where no I don’t know you know the grocery store starbug’s so who cares I just want to see if you can do this so she starts to do it and as I told you last time she calls me and now we’re getting somewhere because you know what she’s got she found you know she found when she like I think there’s a guy at church or somewhere and she just wanted to kind of go up and start talking to him she has a full-blown panic attack she calls me is what’s wrong with me I go I don’t I don’t know what’s wrong she said I I’m just I’m just I’m just mess and I say why she said I went to talk to this guy and I said what happened she said I just I just got scared and I mean I guess I can say this in church I said I said what was going through your head she said all I could think about was the size of my but true story this is what she says she said I’m saying they’re thinking about my body I said all right now what were you thinking and she starts to go through this and she I mean some horrible horrible I’m unattractive and I’m this and I’m that and we start to begin to work with that but see the goal in getting her moving was she really had shut down two men and hadn’t known it cuz she was very aggressive in business and very out-there and interacted with a lot of guys but when this vulnerable part of her had the chance of coming out then you know she was afraid and she really had relationally shut down and she was giving off signals she wasn’t available now she now too is married all right I’m gonna read you I’m gonna rage you in gonna read this whole thing I just got an email from her maybe God sent this to me to read to you for you I don’t know I just got in because I told her I was writing a book on this and she says okay something you’ve got to include in the book because it came up this weekend she said after blanks bachelorette party now let me tell you blankie is not only did this woman get married when she started kind of seeing things differently she started coaching other women to do what I’m telling you to do tonight and now one of her cochise got married this past weekend okay so the group go to her bachelorette party and she says there was another one there and she says my married friend so-and-so were and I were trying to get going to call her Susie to get to like you know be open because this girl’s really cute and she wants to date and she’s sort of been closed off for a lot of reasons and doesn’t know it and they’re trying to get her to see that she is and so she said you know after the bachelorette party were sitting there in this this restaurant lounge big place and all these people around and we’re trying to you know sort of push her out there just to you know be a person and she says so we’re sitting there and and all the other girls have left and we were just trying to encourage and I’ll call her Susie to meet guys after about 45 minutes of this she finally says but Blanc you’re an extrovert it’s easy for you it’s easy for you to meet guys and she had said that they had been friends you know back when she was single and she had seen that and then she says huh but you didn’t know me before I started working on this stuff and what she says is I would have never done that before I was closed off like you and I never would have initiated conversations and you can’t say that you’re an introvert that’s no excuse and she goes on to kind of talk about how she confronted this but here’s what I want you to hear she said this she did she she sort of got out she says but then she says even that night during the bachelorette party there were guys who were wanting to come talk to us a party of 10 but I was the only one making eye contact now because I’m so used to it and because of you know the growth I went through and she said and I had to keep looking back down because I’m married and they kept like looking at me she says but finally they came over and then she said twice twice these guys came over in this big gathering trying to like engage these other you know eight or nine women and she says and and the they what she noticed about them was she said but they were not even to the point of being open and the ones who had already reached that point were either get this dating or married and they didn’t really care to talk much to the guys but the others who claimed to really want to meet someone were and this is her words not mine were clueless and missed an opportunity now we didn’t want to take away from the girl whose wedding was being the focus but it was still characteristic of women not seeing what’s going on around them that’s not my words that’s a recovered married happy woman who did not have a date for two years until she started to own her internal stuff okay now guys let me tell the other side of the story here same thing one of the things I heard just this weekend from these two two ministry women ministry leaders was that the women tell her that the guys sort of the Christian guys are like in their words what did they go it wasn’t passive but it was like non initiators wait a minute what was that big Heavy’s was that was that women how many of you women have senior well who was yeah is that what the big sigh was now I don’t know I don’t know what’s going on there but what I do know what I really believe is that God there is a created order and what I believe happens now don’t don’t take this wrong I don’t think that women can’t initiate and you know I think that’s a great thing obviously me five a week but if a woman has got to like like go drag him out of a coma you don’t want him okay and guys there are and I’ve talked to a lot of men who had to kind of work through some some stuff about their own fears of rejection their own fears of inadequacy their own you know trauma from the last one or whatever it is and a lot of times for whatever reason men when they get to a lot of it it seems like you sort of I don’t know if it’s Christian teaching or whatever that I don’t know exactly why but they’ve kind of progressed into into this it’s almost like a pre-adolescent desexualized D initiating kind of like person just watching life and when I hear this a lot from Christian what women have you women seen this or experiences okay so guys she may be waiting for you okay just to like show up and serious and if you are a guy and you need like 46 invitations you know to kind of get over the fear get with your team and work out that fear because God kind of made you I believe to step out to initiate and so that’s sort of the other side of this so um I was talking to Ed if this is funny look talked about now this is amazing but it sort of illustrates everything of Tom out I had lunch yesterday with a couple and they’re they’re good friends of ours in he was down whatever you believe about the other part of this story is up to you but he was on a hunt for the one he was looking for a wife okay and he was obsessing about a wife and every woman he would meet he would think you know she the one or you know she fit my list or you know whatever he’s at church one day and a guy walks up to him no actually the pastor walked up to him and said so-and-so know this is gonna sound out there but so-and-so ooh the pastor says I know there’s a lot of flaky people out there but so and so who gets messages from God said that he wanted to talk to you and you know he goes okay so and this like an older guys like you know 70 not not the one looking for the hard body but the the guy with a message from God and he goes and sits down with him and he says um I don’t know if he had a vision or God told him or something but he says here’s what God says to you stop looking for a wife number two when she comes you will know it it’s like what would she look like seriously this is true and the guy says to her I don’t know but it doesn’t matter because God says you will know and so now he took this on faith he took this as from God so he stops obsessing and looking for the type okay and he said for the next and I think it was six or eight months he said he goes into a new level of spiritual renewal with God because the idol of looking for a mate was gone from his plate and he started to grow and he started going out with all sorts of women because he didn’t know it is looking for now God had told him he was just gonna know right so then he goes to church one day you know almost a year later he goes to church and he says this woman walks in and he looked at her he said I don’t know how to describe it but she was the one and I said what happened he said well I’m trying to get to her because I just want to say hi and she gets away he said and then I saw her in the parking lot she’s a car and she leaves and this was you know way away from her and summer day she goes down PCH and all the traffic I said what you day said I got my car and I chased her he said cuz I think she’s the one and he said I’m driving him you know like Mario Andretti and he said and then I realized what if I catch her I am gonna look like psycho stalker and so I turned around and I thought oh no I’ve lost her forever and so I said but then I remember something I knew who she was with she was with this other woman so who he knew so he goes the next week introduces himself to the friend and acts like he’s introducing himself to the friend because the friend was having her child christen and he’s acting like he’s interested in the kid like I just notice really nature dedicating your child to the Lord you know hi my name is so-and-so and and the whole time he’s on this mission right and he’s going to find the one and so then he got to be friends with her you know that day and then the next week and saw her around after he’s talked to her enough to not blow his cover because she know three or four weeks ago you were with this this what was her name again and she starts l he said he said does she go here she goes no shoot she was she was dismissed he said you know she looked really nice how could I and and the woman goes or what are your intentions and so then he had to sort of complain and she checked him out spiritually in this set and the other and knew some people that knew him and knew he was the real deal and basically that was the woman at lunch yesterday okay yeah great story but the point is that’s not passive that’s not passive guys I mean that’s initiating remember when you know Isaac sent the whole posse out there you know to finder so the point is you know sometimes it takes a little effort and take that on faith and then I’m gonna go through these pretty quickly because we’re short on time the next thing is this is not politics and I just put this in here because a lot of people are always asking what about all these rules how many of you have like like read the book the rules or you know there’s always you’re not supposed to do this and assesses what I think is that you know you’re not running a chess game or a political game here where there’s strategies involved like well you can’t accept a date after Thursday night because then he’ll know you have no life [Music] here’s what I find if you have to have a rule to make it look like you have a life then don’t date get a life first because here’s what’s going to happen if you have a life you have activities you have hobbies you have people you have interests you’re out there he’s not gonna fall into a vacuum he’s going to after she’s going to have to kind of fit in to something and a full life is an attractive thing so if you’ve got to play games in politics that’s wrong be a person with a depth of spirituality a depth of life pursuing your passions a career you like and hobbies you like and friends you like and families you like and that kind of person if they just happen to be open tomorrow night he or she on the other side feels like they won the lottery not like our babysitting and people that have all these weird rules if you are authentic and full and complete don’t worry about the gamesmanship anybody that you catch because of gamesmanship you know the fourth quarter is gonna come in the game will be over all right the next one where’s your libido where’s your libido I wish we had a lot more time for this one but if you are having problems in dating your libido is either unfindable and what I mean by that is when sexuality is if somebody is afraid or they’ve been Christianized out of it or there’s been hurt or abuse or whatever and it’s kind of like not part of you anymore then that’s part of what you know a normal sex appeal that doesn’t mean you know anything in fact there’s very little to do with quote you know what somebody looks like or appearance there’s much more to do with the chemistry of the richness of their soul and passions and you know good sense of all sorts of stuff goes into sexuality and the way that God designed it your sexuality should be integrated with the rest of you so it’s connected to love it’s connected to your values so you’re not going to act out if you have strong spiritual values even though you are you know integrated to being a sexual being but you’re only going to have problems if it is you know walled off to where you don’t feel like a sexual being and we’re not talking about acting out we’re just talking about possessing all of what it means to be human that’s one problem the other problem is where is your libido it may not be repressed it may be you know sort of like we need to send a posse out there to find it because it’s gotten out as a life of its own and some of you know some people are they’re not they’re not hiding their sexuality behind themselves they’re hiding themselves behind their sexuality and they’re leading with sex or seductiveness or whatever that is see the way God designed you it all goes together and if your life is hyper sexed and you’re acting out and all of that stuff then the rest of you is not in the game and anybody you find with that strategy you don’t want long-term and if it’s not connected to the rest of you anybody that you did find that you would want the rest of you needs to be in the relationship too okay so find it we could do a whole night on that and then the next one be yourself what this means is a lot of people in dating classic question you get this all the time I got it the other night I did a dating group and in this this woman says oh I had a question so what she goes how come how come the ones I don’t like like me and the ones that I like they don’t like me I almost like there’s a two groups you know and I said well let’s talk about that and what we got to was when she likes somebody she subtly subtly ever so subtly starts to kind of become adaptive to them it becomes what they want sort of like loses part loan I’m gonna say that he might not like this or he might ever but whatever and she gradually becomes this sort of like and not in a weird way but sort of like the saluting fawning codependent but just sort of becoming whatever she thinks he wants and men do the same thing and here’s a problem what happens when you become less of yourself a there is less of you to be attracted to and that’s probably why the ones you’re not attracted to really you’ve got to have you because you don’t care and you’re all of yourself and you’re much more attractive then when you’re with somebody that you know you really want because then you go out on a day but you don’t go guys you you do this dude this is the way when people become adaptive all sorts of good things disappear of who you are as a person that’s why you hear a lot of people like it’s not until the sort of conflict sometimes happens in marriage where you know once adapt on the other end and then you know there’s some sort of break down the relationship and they get into therapy and they start to kind of get real and they fall in love and they say you know we’re nearly I fall in love all over again really this is for the first time and they say things like and especially the one who was not interested in her or him and when they were about to break up now this real person is showing up and they’re finding out I never knew you know what’s that song do you like pina coladas remember that song it’s you know how does it go somebody singing do you like pina colada instead of it and unless all you say and so he’s got this fantasy woman in light and we walking in the rain now this and this is I guess he’s communicated with in this Stephanie’s ready so what an email is but you know orange juice can with a string or something and so then he’s going to have this rendezvous with this mystery woman who likes all these wonderful things as so enchanting shows up and it’s his wife horrible song but illustrates the point that he never knew because she wasn’t showing up and that happens on too many dates and too many dates and people don’t take themselves there and then have a strategy what I mean by this is this is not zero to 60 in six seconds dating should not be like you know a spaceship launching where you go from zero to ignition and then you’re in outer space and we watch it you know there should be stages in this like get to know the person that’s why I say date and just get to know another human in if you’re going out with a lot of people hopefully that no one person is gonna kidnap you anyway cuz you’re comparing and you’re just having fun but that’s a stage and then because you’re not gonna sell the farm that night right and then the next thing is you’re gonna you know gradually you spend more time you you know there’s a lot of people in your world one is kind of standing it out a little bit really interested in some things about this first you go into a different stage where you’re looking with different eyes and you’re looking kind of below the surface and you’re looking at character and then maybe they don’t flunk out and they get to you know pass go and you get to the next stage and then you’re looking at really more important things in their character and their spiritual development and all this sort of stuff and it should go and you know you’re not even into coupling yet you’re not into some exclusivity we have it like jettisoned your life this Prince Charming or you know Prince Charming has shown up but there’s a progression and it’s sad when people go from zero to everything quickly because they don’t learn that everything that wasn’t everything until later and if there’s not a strategy of that you’re gonna be careful and not give your heart and soul and mind and body away and you’ve got to get to know a person you know their values and you got to know what they’re like then it’s gonna be trouble if you don’t do it that way and then the last one is health not Hollywood Hollywood will sell you a fantasy and the fantasy is that you can put you know twenty five women in a room with one guy and in six episodes find the love of your life none of them have made it if they of the bachelor and the penny of them one Ryan Ryan and Trista I was heat up is he the the poetry guy okay well it late now you know I’m gonna use them to prove a point at least she went for the internal stuff right cuz she liked his insides and the way expressed himself and you know all I say any of your own opinion but the point is there’s no such thing as instant perfection and being in love forever everybody falls out of psychosis into reality the question is when you fall out what’s really there so don’t let Hollywood sell you a bill of goods I mean look just I won’t name the names but you know go read some really good good marriage journal like you know people or us or InStyle and what you’re going to see is they’re on number eight now in the last two years that’s what Hollywood brings you and these are the most beautiful the most you know the ideal everything and there’s no reality there to when God designed relationship he designed it about character he designed it about the outsides the insides all points in between and that when integrated healthy people that love God with all their heart mind is soul see that’s one person there’s a lot of passion and there’s a lot of responsibility and there’s a lot of mission and there’s a lot of purpose and there’s a lot of spontaneity and creativity and responsibility and a whole person and they meet another whole person like that and the two become one and that’s a good scenario but it’s a depth of spiritual reality and all sorts of good things in the Hollywood version 1/2 it’s not to become one 1/2 it’s looking for a half trying to become a whole 1/2 times 1/2 is 1/4 and that’s what happens in the end ok 4 more solutions recordings or other personal and spiritual growth products by dr. Henry cloud and dr. John Townsend visit our website at cloud townsend.com or call 866 Oh